Co-Dependency

While experts are in disagreement as to whether or not codependency is a disease, for those who suffer from its effects the answer to that question is not important. Resources for codependency treatment are often limited, with many more options available to the inpidual suffering from addiction than for family members. But help is available and what is important is getting the help you need. My goal as a therapist is to ensure that both the addict and those who love them have the opportunity to find recovery.

What’s the problem?

Codependents actually believe that in order for them to be okay, the people in their life and circumstances of their life need to be okay. Typically, codependents believe that if the addict in their life gets clean, then the problem is solved and all will be well. This is not true. Even when the addict gets into recovery the problems that existed prior to recovery still remain and often get worse. For so long the focus of the family was on the addict and all the drama and destruction that surrounded the addict, but now that the addict is in recovery, family members usually have a hard time adjusting to the change.
Why don’t codependents just let go then? I believe codependency is a primary disease and the codependents’ focus is external instead of internal. Attempting to make everything and everyone okay, they control, manipulate, and seek any means possible to change everything except themselves. The only possible outcome of this dynamic is emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual suffering. Trying over and over again to change what they cannot while neglecting the one thing they can change: themselves.
Once you identify the problem as being outside of yourself (people, places, and things), you allow these things to control your life and you will be powerless to change-in essence you end up being a victim. The codependent is as powerless over codependency as the addict is over addiction. Powerlessness is not helplessness and treatment with ongoing recovery works.

How do I know if I need help?
If you find yourself thinking about and paying more attention to the addict and others in your life than yourself or find that you are not taking care of your needs, then you are probably codependent. If you believe that if everyone just acted and did what you wanted that your problems would be solved, then chances are your codependent. If you find yourself constantly helping the addict and others avoid the consequences of their actions, then you are probably codependent. If you are in an abusive relationship and stay because hes really a good guy, chances are your codependent.
Codependency can manifest in many ways. Lack of self-worth and self-esteem, unhealthy boundaries or no boundaries, and dysfunctional relationships all can be symptoms of codependency.
Many codependents stay in unhealthy and abusive relationships for years due to fear. Fear of moving on, of letting go, of being alone, of financial insecurity, etc. To grow and change, codependents must acknowledge there is a problem and take responsibility for their actions. Attempting to do this on their own usually results in a continuation of the problem. Seeking help is the solution.

Symptoms of Codependency
Dysfunctional upbringing/childhood
Shame based feelings
Walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting someone else or feeling like you don’t want to affect the way he or she feels or acts.
Constantly creates and participates in drama.
Dependent on relationships even when they are unhealthy and dysfunctional
Feeling like it’s your responsibility to change others
Placing others welfare ahead of your own
Obsessive thinking about others and how to change them
Trust issues
Feelings of betrayal
Feeling like life is happening to me instead of me creating my life
Not saying what you want to for fear of hurting someone else's feelings
Focusing and thinking of others instead of yourself
Beleiving that your behavior (makes others feel_______) or others behavior makes you (feel_______)

What can I do about it?
You can make the decision to stop focusing on everyone and everything else and get the help you need and deserve. My years of experience working with those who struggle with addiction and codependency have given me a unique perspective on how to effectively treat codependency.
I incorporate and apply many of the tools I use in treating addiction to those with codependency issues. When the inpidual with addiction and his or her family members enter the recovery process together, lives are changed and miracles happen. Just as with addiction, codependency usually starts in childhood where unhealthy patterns are formed and will remain until those patterns are identified and changed.
I can show you how to empower yourself by learning how to focus on yourself and how to create the life you deserve and desire, and how to consciously create instead of reacting to situations and the people in your life. I can assist you in identifying the root cause of the problem, your role in perpetuating the problem, and finding solutions that will work for you. Get off auto-pilot and start creating the life you want, call now.

Phone sessions and consultations are available for out of town clients.